This Existence
by Babs1
Summary: Fred thinks about her place in this world.


1.1 Title: This Existence  
  
Author: Babs  
  
e-mail: shifty77@hotmail.com  
  
Category: A:tS, Fred  
  
Spoilers: Fredless  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Fred thinks about her place in this world.  
  
Disclaimer: Really, I promise. They aren't mine. They are owned by people who aren't me. Despite what the voices in my head tell me, but they're quiet now. That's good right?  
  
Feedback: Pretty, pretty please? Begging doesn't look good on me.  
  
2 Distribution: You want? Please have. Just let me know.  
  
  
  
My name is Fred.  
  
These are the things I know. Entropy is always increasing. The second theory of relativity says so and it can be proved scientifically. If something can be proved scientifically, it must be true. Must be true. Repetition is the best form of memorization. My name is Fred and I am not crazy. My name is Fred and I am not crazy. My name is Fred. E=MC2. It's a simple equation really. A basic formula that everyone knows, but nobody truly understands. I understand. My name is Fred and I do not belong here.  
  
I do not belong in this world that makes no sense. My mama and daddy came for me. They came to take me away. Away from Angel and Cordy and Gunn and Wes. I almost went away with them. I almost went away and never came back. I don't want to go away again. It makes my heart hurt so much. Too much. My mama and daddy only wanted to do what's best for me. Take me away from the big bad city with the big bad monsters to a place that is safe. Home where there are no monsters. That's what they think, but the monsters will follow me. They follow me everywhere. I think, perhaps, they live inside my head. Like the demon with the eggs inside its head. I know why he went where he didn't belong with things inside his head.  
  
I told my parents that this is where I belong. I can never go back to normal. I lied. Well not about the normal part. That part's true of course. The part I lied about is the belonging here part. I don't belong here. My parents believed me anyway. I can be quite convincing. I lied to my parents. Will I get in trouble for lying? You're not supposed to lie. Especially to your parents. This I know.  
  
I do not belong in this world where people tell you not to feel what you are feeling. Cordy told me not to say I feel fizzy when people ask how I am. She said they would think I am crazy. People feel glad and mad and sad, but people do not feel fizzy. Perhaps they do and they just don't admit it. I feel fizzy. Definitely fizzy. Like soda pop and those candies that pop when you put them inside your mouth. I like those candies.  
  
I do not belong in this world where my shoes have to match my dress. Brown doesn't go with black and I can't wear white after Labor Day. Except in special circumstances. I do not know what the special circumstances are. Nobody will tell me. Perhaps nobody knows.  
  
I did not belong in the land that swallowed me up for five years. This I know. I was an outsider in that place. They called me a cow and did bad things to me there. I cannot tell you the bad things that they did to me in that place. I know I am not a cow. A cow has seven stomachs. I tried to tell them this, but they hurt me. I have only one stomach. A stomach that wants to be filled with tacos and ice cream. I am definitely not a cow.  
  
I could hide in the land that swallowed me up. The caves were dirty and dark and cold but they let me hide. I knew my way around quite well in that place that I didn't belong. Three hundred meters to the east of my cave, make a right and walk fourteen meters to the river, swim across the river to the tree. The tree with the good bark for making tree bark enchiladas.  
  
I do not belong in this place that makes you do things that you do not understand. Cordelia took me dancing tonight. She said we must get Fred out of the hotel and into the world. Don't worry Fred. You'll be safe. I'll be there and I promise not to take you to a place where you'll be subject to demon violence. Instead, we will go to a dance club. A club where you dance and there are a whole bunch of people and so much noise. I went with her because it made her happy and it made the guys happy to see Fred get out of the hotel. I want to make people happy. I wore my red dress. The red dress that I wore when I saw Angel, who was not really Angel, making out with a lady on top of Wesley's desk. I feel naked in this dress. In more than one way. Yes, I know what a metaphor is. So I went with Cordy to the club and we danced together. We danced to hey sister, soul sister. I asked what is a soul sister Cordelia. She just laughed. Why will no one answer my questions? Every question has an answer. Why not mine?  
  
My feet hurt from the shoes that are not shoes but really small pieces of leather strapped onto little spikes of wood. They cannot be good for my feet. They absolutely provide no support. Absolutely none. I left Cordelia to find a seat and get some water. I do not want to get dehydrated. Dehydration is bad. Very bad. When I was in the place, before I found the river, I got dehydrated a lot. Sometimes it wouldn't rain for days. The place was bad, much worse than here. Except at least in the place I did not have to wear shoes.  
  
I never made it to a place to sit. Some man, not my handsome man, stepped in front of me. He would not let me pass. I think he wanted to dance with me. Cordy was dancing with a man so I thought it must be okay. The man put his hands on my hips and pulled me close to him. Oh, this cannot be good. Not safe. Cannot be safe. Angel would not like this, but it feels so good. I danced anyway. The music pulsed though me and I danced. It is possible, you know, for music to pulse through a body. Music is just sound which is just energy and energy can pass though anything. As the music pulsed in me, I danced with the man, not my handsome man, who had green eyes and light brown hair, and my hips did things I did not know they could do. Kiss me, said the man with the green eyes and light brown hair. But I do not love you. Kiss me. So I did and his tongue slipped into my mouth. It made me giggle. It has been a long time since I have had a tongue in my mouth. Other than my own of course. My tongue has always been in my mouth. Otherwise I couldn't speak.  
  
After I giggled, I kissed him again. Our tongues tangled and I felt swirly. Oh this cannot be good to be swirly but his tongue danced with mine and I turned smooshy. I do not know if I should do this but it feels nice. We danced more. I let him take me to a corner and do bad things to me. Oh no! Not those bad things. I am not ready for a baby and those bad things lead to babies. I still think that what we did was bad. I think perhaps it was a sin. If I believed in sin. Cordy came and found me in the bathroom and said it was time to go. I never gave the man with the green eyes and light brown hair my name. It seems to me that I should have given him my name.  
  
I do not belong in this world where he does not love me. Cannot love me. I hypothesize that if he could love me he would not love me. Would not want to. In this world, the world that makes no sense, he is a bad man. A monster, some would call him. But he is not any of these things. He is a handsome man with a deep spirit and kind heart and human soul. He is more human than any man I have ever met. Of course, I have not met many men. Still, he is much more human than the man with the green eyes and light brown hair. He takes me for ice cream and to the movies and I think he is sad that he cannot love me. Does not love me. Will not love me. It makes me love him more. A thousand times more.  
  
I could not sleep in my bed tonight. Many times I cannot sleep in my room closed in with walls and no rocks. We painted over my story on my walls. It helps them think I'm healing. It doesn't matter. My story stays in my head.  
  
I creep into his room like I often do and watch him. He does not wake up. I am very, very quiet. Quiet enough that he cannot hear me, even with his special ears. I must be quiet. In the place, I had to be quiet to stay away from the bad monsters. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. So still and peaceful. His chest does not make the motion of breathing. That is because he does not breathe. He does not breathe because technically he is dead. When you are dead does your heart hurt like it has been run through a juicer? Probably not because you are dead. I must leave my handsome man before he wakes up. He cannot see me. Must not know. I touch his hand before I leave. He is so cold, my handsome man. Because he is dead. Not alive. That is what dead means.  
  
I do not go back to my room. I will not sleep in the room that is more of a cave than my cave in the place. I go downstairs to see if I can find some ice cream in the kitchen. Somebody is sleeping on the floor. I almost scream because I am scared. Strange people do not sleep on the floor of the Hyperion Hotel. It would not be allowed. I do not scream because I see that it is not a strange man. It is Gunn. I know this because I see the light from the moon reflect off his head. Gunn has a shiny head. It is fun to touch sometimes. I creep down the stairs. Be quiet Fred. Must be quiet. Be careful not to trip over Gunn. That would definitely wake him up.  
  
He does not look peaceful when he sleeps. He moves around a lot. Kicks and makes funny noises. I think perhaps he is lonely. I lay down beside him and wrap my arms around him. I am surprised that he does not wake up. He must be in a very deep sleep. Much past the REM stage. He is very warm, I notice. The air from his nose tickles the top of my head. I have never noticed that the sound of breathing can be so soothing. It is the last thing I think before I fall asleep. Here, where I do not belong.  
  
My name is Fred. I have a secret. I don't belong anywhere. But shh…. Please don't tell.  
  
FINE 


End file.
